Thursday, June 26, 2008

It seems like the new trend is blogging weekly. Haha. Well, i supposed i won't even be blogging for long in this current state of mind. I've little motivation to write on blogs nowadays. Prior to to this, the only incentive of writing here is because i couldn't very well open myself up to friends and family. I've managed to change that.

I'm so glad for the change in fact. Not only do i get to relieve myself of all the troubles, but i get to meet up with some folks whom i haven't got the time to meet up for quite a while. Will be meeting someone very very important in my life very soon. Haven't yet to secure the time yet, but i know she'll definitely make time to accomodate me because i'm all powerful and special. Muhaha.

Ok, that aside, it's been a real enjoyment this past week. Yes, there were some downs, but more ups than downs. I've bee through shitty times for a while. Turning point? Let's recall.

1. Had drink with James at Demespy Road. Man, you guys should really go there when you've the chance. It's damn cool! Totally awesome to say the least. And i really mean it. It's the few rare places where you'll see luxurious cars from different brands, different people and more importantly, the ambience there is hmmm...orgasmic. Serious. Having red wine there is a pleasure. Red wine rocks too. Haha. I'd a fantastic time with James there. Awesome.

2. Kept in contact with WF. Haha, my supper buddy. She has been MIA for quite a while, but manged to catch her recently. She's as busy as usual, now with her new commitments, i mean commitment. Haha. Well, there's always another time for supper, but only time for one commitment. Haha.

3. Got my PDL! Weee...today, after getting MC. Haha. Passed my basic & advanced. Will be going for my driving lessons soon. Tying up the loose ends with my driving tutor. Can foresee myself driving very very soon. My cousin has already got his license, so i'm kinda behind time considering he's one year younger. But who cares? Haha. I want my licence! LOA coming soon. WHY? Because i'm Feeling Good! Haha.

4. My mail clogged till 300+ mails. You must be thinking i'm crazy to even consider this good; well, it's good because i'm popular. Haha.

5. Met up with Grabrield today. Managed to totally inspired him to start his book, which i'm really glad i did. Gratittude is the greatest present a person can have in life. :)

6. Brought new experience to Hazel & Clare. Haha. I love those 2 girls. Their really very very friendly girls and always so willing to learn, just like me. Haha. Well, they've been under my influence for a while and i must say they've also like myself grown quite a bit. Haha. It's really nice to see someone you know grow so much in such short period of time. I've lived up to my motto at least Haha.

7. Little voice management tape from James. Love those tapes i borrowed from James. Propelled me even futher into life. I supposed that is i why i love James so much too. Haha. Firstly, we're so like-minded. Second, we love to learn. Thirdly, our crapping skills are exceptional. Haha. And i love him so much because he has so much good stuff to share each time i meet up with him. He's like the fountain of knowledge, always learning from others and i'm always learning from him. Haha. Sweet.

In short, to make a diffeence to another person's life is a priviliege. To be willing to change your ow life is your personal will and choice. So to all who's willing to change, come look for the one who lives his life by this motto. You'll be surprised how much you can excel in your life with such people around.

Signing off, the great tin man; for this evening and possibily, future. :)

here by you at 1:02 AM

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I must say for the past week has been a roller coaster ride. With my final batch of seniors leaving this coming july, it's hard not to feel the pressure and responsibility falling upon my shoulders once again.

Had tons of sleep the previous week. Almost every week day i'd my full 9h of sleep. Considering i turn in at 8+/ 9pm, there's no surprise i was wide awake in office (finally). Really think a little too much sometimes i feel like i'm about to explode. I felt like i've exceeded my limits in many areas. My mental, physical and emotional has really been stretched and i must i maxed out indeed.

This week felt a little relief. Beginning to get used to the fact that the guys are going off soon. The full responsibility will finally be rest upon my shoulder once agian. Really glad i cleared my issues with pikachu today. How true, with great powers come great responsibilities.

I'm all along the ic of the entire branch, all along i'd the power and authority to overwrite anyone should i deem unsatisfactory. I never had the opportunity nor the ability to use the powers because i was too well taken care of by pikachu and many of the more seniors members in the office. With them leaving, it felt like i'm learning how to walk, the most basic things all over again. Only this time, i'm the one teaching the ropes to others. It felt awkward. It felt like i've not enough experience yet. It felt like i need more time with all these things. I'm....not ready yet.

Terry had always been a super good buddy to me and had always been looking after my back. From the time Victor left all the way till now, like a big brother helping out all the things. Yes, i know the things, yet, it felt good having confirmation on the things from a more senior point of view. I somehow don't know how to experience myself all of a sudden. Just feel emotionally detached. Felt like i've lost certain hope in myself if i've the ability to really pull through this.

Perhaps my time has come. The test of time has arrived sooner than what i've prepared. Or was my expectations too high? Aim for the moon, at least you miss it, you'll still be among the stars.

I've missed the moon, that's for sure. The benchmark is there, so certainly set by Lingo, followed by pikachu. Don't even bother about the stars since now i'm like super low low performance & morale. What do i have left with to uphold the legacy and the power?

For once i wished you were here, to hear things out once again, to listen to the voice all over again. It was an euphoric experience. I've missed the opportunity, to closed the case or at least call for a shot. I gave up even before i even started. I sometimes rue the day when all was out.

Still, a lesson i learnt so badly; opportunities are never lost, they're just taken up by someone else. How true....

here by you at 1:14 AM

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I've never felt so much hatred and distaste for anyone for a very very long time. This particular person really got me on my nerves and not many in people in my office really like her.

Sadly, this particular brought me to light. Not directly, in fact, she got me into deeper shit than i already am. Much thanks to her, i got 3 extra duties as punishments. Wow. Yet, it's also this person who shed new light for the meaning of forgiveness.

Harbour no evil thoughts. No hatred, no revenge, no envy. Not because it's being preached by religion, but rather it's for your own benefit. How?

With evil thoughts, you fill your life with nothing but doing evil things of which you don't really want to do. You mind is constantly in thoughts of how to do bad things so you'll "feel better" when in actual fact, we were never here to do harm to one another.

I gave my whole heart out. I forgive her actions. It was not her fault that she was in a foul mood in the first place. For it was my fault that i've given her a chance to find fault with me. It was my negligence that i've dragged myself into this shit and even the buddy who's with me. True that she blew up such a minute event, making a big fuss about it, but at the end of the day, justice must be served to those who failed to acknowledge the almighty presence of it.

She may dislike me but i've no grudge against her NOW. :)

I'm also glad to say that i'm finally back to my old self. Ok, maybe not old, but i'm found my purpose and mission in life. I now know why, when, where, what, who & how. Until they're shaken again by another event, this will be stuck with me for quite a while.

Why am i here on this earth?
I'm here to make positive difference to other people's life.

When did i start to realize this?
My journey to find out my purpose of life has led me to realized my mission here.

Where did occur?
No specific places, for every place gives me a minor clue to my big picture of life that i've visualized in my mind.

What was the significant events caused such reactions?
Too many to begin with. From the loss of my grandma, departure of friends in green org, meltdown of emotions, thoughts of forever being a hermit, tarot card readings and so many many other things that i've lost count of it.

Who are you now?
Tin man. Revitalized and back with more power, passion and power. :)

How did you do it?
3 words. Thinking, thinking and thinking. I've never did so much thinking in my life before so much so that i nearly loss my sanity at one point in time. But i'm glad i'm finally out from the forest of thoughts, able to breathe the cool, refreshing air again.

Much credits to the people who have really been through with me for the past couple of weeks. Not going to name any names as there's really too many. There's one particular person whom i would like to highlight though.

An answered call,

a breaking point.

Sweet high voice,

many unfinished affairs.

Tears felt,

unknown to all.

Strength regained,

through many thoughts,

dots connect,

reality understood,

renewed sub-consciously.

Tin once lost,

is now

back and fired!

Thank you again for those who have make the difference, directly or indirectly. Thank you.

here by you at 12:34 AM

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

It's been a while since i've last blogged. Felt a little guilty. Not because there's anyone to report to or anything, just that i feel very lost during the last few weeks. Had many ups and downs. But managed to get in control somehow. Well, reckon this is my next phase of life, to experience things so unpredictable, so temperamental, so...fulfilling. Haha.

I like this stage of life somewhat. It's insane, to say the least. It's like you've to go through so much shitty times, but at the end of the shitty hours and thinking, i felt renewed somehow. It's like rebirth, where your old thinking is finally hanged.

Got an affirmation from tarot card reading on monday. Haha. Was doing my duty, and my camp mate happened to have a deck which he just bought. After using the application on facebook, i thought tarot reading wasn't that accurate, yet when i attempted to do my first, i was astounded at the accuracy and proficiency of the cards. I stressed again, it's the cards. My friend and me were both new to reading the cards, yet somehow, we managed to draw some form of connections and the entire story that was succinctly outlined, yet with dead accuracy. Each of us attempted twice and we were both shocked at the accuracy, despite the fact that it was very vague.

Man, my friend just got me so hooked on to tarot reading. Although it doesn't give you a very clear answer like a yes or no, but it does define some grey areas of which certain paths have been taken and what will be the possible and actual outcomes. Scary, yet so real.

Well, i reckon if tarot can be catalyst helping a deep thinker like me to review certain thoughts, it would definitely affirm and help others out there.

As such, i would like to have a deck of tarot cards! However, i can't buy it, because it's an old wife's tale that the first deck must be given.

*hint* *hint* to whoever is reading this. Haha.

By the way, things in office have a been a little rough. Beginning to feel the taxing work and aftermath of the immense impact on the still recuperating body. Well, hope things go well soon. Oh, i also changed the theme song. It's a lovely song isn't it? Haha, so hooked onto it that i can't it off my playlist now. Haha. Enjoy!

here by you at 9:03 PM

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I'd never had such experience before. It felt exhilarating for a moment. Would credit this to a very very good show, of which i insanely stayed up till now to watch --- No reservation.

A must watch for couples especially. Could feel the resonation running through me during the entire show. Each & every part felt so real, so at the moment, so now...

Not going to waste any of my time. Got so tired of thinking for the moment. Will resume my rountine life again, just wonder when will it be the time when i'm truly myself again...

Tomorrow? Next week? Next year? Hmmm....

When one chapter closes, a new chapter begins. Death brings about an end to one's story and many related people's chapter, but a new one begins....

Goodbye and rest in peace.

Thank you for all the little things even though i don't really remember much.

The chapter which ended so well.

A first reunion for the entire family.

Perhaps even the final.

The opportunity to know other extended family members i never knew existed.

Not the ideal situation,

but the departutre has brought about

many more experiences to others.

A new chapter has begun.

Be it you're ready or not.

It's all about a journey.

There'll be happy and sad times,

the sadness was not there for no purpose;

it was meant to remind all of us

that every sad moments means

we'll learn how to cherish our happy ones more...

here by you at 1:05 AM

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Couldn't get enough of it. Still thinking of it...still stuck in this predicament.

Life is about a choice. I've once again reached the same cross road. However, this time, i know everything about my options and the road the is laid ahead. The price i've to pay, the destination of each road, each juncture and the potholes that along the journey. Yet, i still can't help thinking why am i at this cross road here again.

Can't say i know what i'm going to do. For behind every actions, there's a reason for everything. Everything, be it you're living or not, human or animal, there's always a reason. A definite of purpose. At the end of the day, what is your reason?

It's immensely crazy to think things at such a depth i feel. I don't have the slightest clue as to what is happening to me. Reckon hazel put it very nicely, "It's a growing up process. That's why you're thinking so much."

Is it really true? A thinking process will lead to maturity, definitely, but why am i thinking so much? Why am i craving for maturity. Every thought that is running across your brain has a definite reason for being there. It's the law of nature. Everything occurs for a reason.

So why?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jk4AF0YNMRI

here by you at 9:15 PM

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Decided to do away with the tarot thingy. Did some minor changes to the profile & poof, the entire card went different. For a moment, i realized something, i wasn't taking the reading of the card, i was merely copying and reviewing if it was true or not. Was thinking why must i put myself in a frame of mind determine by a card? Absolutely ridiculous.

Think these couple of days were quite an experience. Never had i thought i would feel so emotional. Considering i've locked them up long long ago. Suddenly they were all dug up.

The anger. From doing what i'm supposed to do.

The sadness. From not knowing what i want to do in life.

The grief. From the death of my soul and emotions.

The happiness. From knowing there're still people who cared.

The loneliness. From attending workshops meant for parents. I saw something which i know in this life i would not want to get.

The love. From seeing the friends who cared. The people who asked if i were ok. The people who said they were sad to hear the death of someone.

Why are you sorry? Were the death related to you? Why apologize when you've zero connections?

Saw a lovely couple on bus today. For the first time i was standing in such close proximity to such a loving couple. It's been a long time since i really felt something so passionate.

Where had my passion gone to?

I went to workshop meant for parents organized by MINDCHAMPS. I saw the staff, the speaker, the audience. They emit an aura of passion. They shown love. They shown gratitude. Willingness to learn and improve their relationship with their children, the staff always willing to help people.

Why do i want to help people?

For fun? The new trend?

Why do i want to embark on this journey?

Why am i even here in the first place?

Pardon the the stupidity. I've all the answers. But somehow, all seemed so hazy to me. I can't take things when i dont' know what's ahead.

Take the steps slowly, one step at a time.

I can feel. I dont' have much time left.

What is my purpose in life? I read the book, Purpose of Life. Took it from the temple where grandma was cremated. I thought i had it all sorted out.

This evening, i was given back the same test. To reconfigure all the thoughts again.

I've made so many wrong choices. They all add up to my library i experience.

But why do i still aren't able to answer? Life keeps changing. People changed. But why do our core values keep chaging?

Making a positive difference to the lives of people i know. Why?

Why do i keep asking why?

Why...why....why.

Life is a suffering. It's preached by ALL religions. You can go check it out. Initially thought it was only buddhism. Only then pointed out by a colleague of mine did i realized that it's indeed true.

If life is a suffering, why live? Why not just end the suffering? Join your whatever holy god? Why then do people preach life is precious? Why is time so important? Why death brings about so many changes to a person's life?

Death gives people pain. And it teaches people the beauty of life. Death gives people suffering. Life itself is already a suffering. So why are we suffering?

WHY????!!!!!

here by you at 1:20 AM

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Personnel

the loves

the desires

the melody

the sweethearts

the love letters

the thanks!